I have been informed by a few of my readers, well just one of them, that my posts have lost what little humor was in them and have turned into vile, profanity-laced political rants. It was then suggested that to keep the tiny readership I still have, I need to drop the politics and revert to the style and content of my old cigar and scotch laced musings. After rereading some my older rants, I rediscovered that I seemed at my humorous best when writing about, food, drink, while making fun of pretentiousness and anything French or English. While reviewing the more pleasant news of the last few months, I found the perfect subject. Thus, in the immortal words of the Red Green Possum Lodge men’s prayer, “I’m a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.”
So here goes my attempt at altering course. King Chuck, who is a want-to-be tampon in the China of Queen Bitch Camilla visited Donnie shits-his-pants and his wife Plastic Smile. The climax of the visit was a four-course state dinner served at what was left of the White House. What does the hamburger king of the Potomac and suspected pedophile serve to an English pedophile enabler? “Let’s eat French”, of course.
Sorry Possum Lodge, I failed. I loved the Red Green Show. It ran for 15 seasons but sadly ended in 2006. You can still watch it on UTUBE. If over the last year and half, you have lost your sense of humor, like I have, watching a few episodes may help revive it. It’s still funny and even if you have totally lost your funny bone, they will remind you when to laugh via a laugh track. While I’m at it, I should also like to apologize for referring to Camillia’s privates as her “China”. It’s more like Australia. Everybody knows it’s down there, but nobody gives a shit (insert laugh track here). Back to the state dinner.
The menu was “curated” by Melania taking inspiration from the king’s Highgrove Estate Gardens and his “love of fresh, in-season produce”. She must have had quite a view from the top of that stripper pole. As with all French inspired food it was pretentious and unpronounceable, which was especially true with her trying to pronounce it. And what to hell does curated mean in the “what’s for dinner” context? Curated is defined as carefully chosen and thoughtfully organized or presented using expert knowledge.
Melania has expertise in French cooking? Did she watch Julia Childs between stripper sets or google state dinner ideas on Etsy? When I think of great cooking, Slovakia does not come to mind, ever.
Wow! Just had a big idea! An all-nude French cooking show called “Nympo Chefs”. I’ll look up the Food Network’s phone number later. But I digress.
The first course was a garden vegetable velouté and a heart of palm salad with crispy shallots with a whisper of micro mint for brightness. First, what the hell is a velouté and why do the French like to mess up perfectly good English with diacritical markings. I am going to miss-pronounce it no matter what clues I am given. I’m an American and it is my God given right as enshrined in the first amendment that I can be as ignorant as I want to. I had to look up velouté. It’s a creamy soup which can be served either hot or cold. Nothing warms the belly like cold soup. Heart of palm is from the interior of a palm tree which used to kill the tree when extracted, but is now done in a manner that doesn’t kill, only torchers. Shallots are small oval shaped onions that have a milder flavor than the real onions that I can afford to buy. Micro mints are recently germinated baby mint plants. A pedo favorite, I presume. Brightness?? Turn up the lights worthless ass wipes.
The second course was a spring herb ravioli with ricotta cheese, morel mushrooms, and a light parmesan emulsion with Fresh herbs from the White House kitchen garden sprinkled on top. Nothing says French cooking like ravioli with liquified cheese. I know lots of people who love morels. They grow wild in the forests near where I live and taste similar to the ones you can buy at Safeway, but morels are butt ugly to look at, like Camilla. Emulsified parmesan sounds like melted cheese whiz to me, which isn’t bad on corn chips. Fresh herbs from the White House garden? Didn’t that get dug up and paved it over?
The third course consisted of Dover sole meunière served with spring ramps, snow peas, and potatoes pavé and finished with a vibrant parsley oil. Once again with the diacritical marks to help with the French language bull shit. If I want to sound like a Frenchman, I usually put a half dozen marbles in my mouth and try not to swallow. Dover sole is a flat fish with both eyes on the right side. None of them left eyed flounder commies for our Donnie. Apparently, the fish was pan-fired in nutty brown butter. Brown butter is not nutty, it’s burnt. The potatoes were creamed, buttered and pressed into cubes. Sounds like an out take from a sadistic porno film.
Finally, the dessert. Beehive-shaped chocolate gâteau with vanilla bean crémeux custard, almond joconde , Creme fraîche ice cream, and White House honey. I’m too tired to translate all of this French shit into a real menu, but White House honey? The president has bees as well as crabs? Yes, he does, and the hive is a miniature of the white house which the royals were earlier given a tour of. According to many, this raw honey that was fed to the king and queen is healthier than the processed honey you buy at the Piggly Wiggly. The down side is the risk botulism and the fact that you are likely ingesting bee body parts and pollen.
That was pretty much for the state dinner. The only thing that would have made the evening better was if it was served in a gilded 400-million-dollar ball room. Oh, I forgot the wine pairings, that were also curated by the third lady. You know, she just might be an expert on wines. If I was around that orange taco for twenty plus years, I would have to drink a lot (insert laugh track here).
