Author: docboese

There five major religions on this planet, Christian, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Judaism. There are additional minor religions several of which worship the earth, nature, and fertility. I am sure that there are many others with a few true believers that have yet to be defined by diligent study. For example, MAGA. However, I have discovered that there is one other major belief system that has be overlooked for all of human history.  This sinister, subversive, and secretive cult has devotees on every continent and in every country from the first to the third world. Where ever you are, what ever you are doing right now, stop and look at the person closest to you. Are they one of the evil elites of this cult? Read on if you dare as I reveal at risk to my own life their secrets.  They are FOODISTS!

I can feel you scoffing at me through my keyboard as I write these words, but I am not joking. It’s true and I have the empirical proof if you dare to read on. Be advised that I am quite sure that every race and culture on this planet has devotees of this cult, but I am only knowledgeable about the European sect of this vile religion.

When you see a person cross their chest, are they really acknowledging the father, son, and holy ghost? Foodist have their own holy trinity. Its onion, celery and bell pepper.   Google it, you’ll see.   Catholics have their mother Mary, naturist have their mother earth, and the Foodist have their mother sauces.  And just like the Satanic pentagram there are five of these. They are, béchamel, velouté, espagnole, hollandaise, and tomato.

Béchamel is gravy without the sausage.  First the foodie makes a roux (pronounce rue) which is heated butter and flour. As this originated in France, its misspelled as roux. Leave it to the arrogant, self-loving, wine snobby French to make words that end in x then mispronounce them. Then milk is then mixed into the roux and swished around a bit in the pan till it thickens.  A lot of trouble to produce what in America we call  white sauce and which you buy in a can and save a lot of time and effort.

Velouté, is made from a roux using chicken broth instead of milk.  This mother sauce even has a chant.  It goes:

Velouté oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh

Nel blu, dipinto di blu
E che dici di stare lassù.

Just wait till DeSantis and Marjory Taylor Green find out about this hidden Foodist Satanic hymn which is disguised as an Italian love song. It’s not a love song! If you google translates these “lyrics”, they do not make sense and the translation does not even rhyme! It’s not a real song! It’s a Foodest chant designed to curry the favor of some satanic Foodest deity. Hearing it or singing it soils you soul. I am not making this up.  Dean Martin was quickly driven to drink from singing it and now rots in hell as he discovered its true meaning too late to repent his sin. 

Hollandiase is made with egg yolks, butter, lemon juice, water, and black pepper. Sounds innocent but what is the prime use for this sauce…eggs benedict!  You may think that this is innocent but its not. Think about it!  Who was the greatest traitor in American history…Benedict Arnold!  The whole dish is symbolic of treachery.  American poached eggs and ham layered on an ENGLISH muffin with a cowardly yellow (hollandaise) sauce poured over in an effort to conceal the treason.  

Espagnole is more complex. It’s made from carrot, onion, unsalted butter, flour, beef stock, tomato purée, garlic cloves, celery, whole black peppercorns, and bay leaf.  The name of this mother sauce is highly deceptive. It has nothing to do with Spain. It is a brown French/German sauce.  It’s called espagnole as French and Germans are white while the Spanish are brown. A racist sauce made with unsalted butter?  I’ve tried unsalted butter.  Might as well smear lard on your toast.

Last and least is tomato. Even though it looks like blood, over decades this gore sauce has lost its power as most humans use it out of a jar, premade, pre-spiced and ready to eat. Only a Foodist fanatic would make it from raw tomatoes with the red pulp splattering on their aprons like the medical examiners on CSI.

These five mother sauces have begot numerous daughter sauces which include such standards as mayonnaise, white wine sauce, bolognese, marinara, and more exotic sounding ones like allemande, ravigote and poulette. I won’t go into any of the recipes for these witches brew derivatives.  But what is the one thing they have in common. There are no male sauces! How is it possible for a mother sauce to give birth to daughters without fathers?  This is a sure sign to anyone with a brain that Foodism is a lesbian plot to eliminate men! Our first mistake was giving them the vote.  Then came for our muscle cars, our guns, gas stove, and the sacred incandescent light bulb.  Soon they will force us men into to urban walk up studio apartments where we will have to ride the bus to our meaningless, minimum wage jobs where we will be forces to service women for their pleasure.  And once they design attractive AI sex robots, we will be eliminated!

There is a problem with the above theory that Foodist are satanic lesbians who are scheming to destroy men as a gender. Lately I have uncovered new evidence that not all Foodists are women. Some of them appear to be men.  They are often called Chefs. Even though they are a strange group people who wear checkered pants and mushroom shaped hats, not all of them are gay or trans. Some of them are real men who just love to cook and eat fru fru foods.  Sadly, my own son is one of these. I had hope that he had finally escaped from the cult as he announced that he was no longer a chef.  That hope turned into despair as he proudly announced that he is now listed by his current employer as a “culinarian”. WTF. 

Its long past time that we as men must stop this vile cult. The first step in this crusade is to identify these fem-nazis and their delusional chef fellow travelers.  Here are  the most common signs:

Huge numbers of cookbooks often with multiple post-it notes sticking out of the pages.

Excessive and expensive kitchen gadgets like insta-pots, Kitchen Aid mixers with every attachment for making sausages to pasta, and other miscellaneous devices for which I have no clue as to their actual function (e.g. mandoline, tagine, vattan, le Creuset, pizzelle iron, and the infamous charcuterie board). As an aside, some charcuterie boards are penis shaped! Kinda goes along with my thesis. Oh, almost forgot, any appliance made by Cusinart.

More than one freezer, all of which are crammed with so much food that bungy cords are needed to keep the doors closed. Some of these foods are in unlabeled containers…DON’T EAT THESE, EVER!

Taking pictures of plated food and posting them on Facebook to other members of their coven.

One whole shelf in the refrigerator devoted to multiple small packets of expensive cheeses, one of which is not Velveeta.

A complete lack of premixed dried or frozen foods. (e.g., no Stouffers lasagna, Banquet chicken, Hungry man TV dinners or hamburger helper).

Herbs that are home grown, sometimes hydroponically.

Excessive numbers of spices stored in small label vials. Look specifically for turmeric, cumin, tarragon, marjoram, cardamon, fenugreek, and herb de provence.

Cooking anything in an air fryer.

Having secret recipes.

Shopping farmers markets or places like Whole Foods.

A preference for inedible foods like kale, asparagus, humas, rutabaga, okra, and lima beans.

EGGPLANT! EGGPLANT! EGGPLANT!

You may wonder why I put asparagus as an inedible food.  Yes, it can be quite tasty even though it looks like an alien’s penis wearing a French tickler.  The give-a-way is that it makes your urine smell like cat pee. Even though it effects a Foodist urine the same way, they squat to pee! They don’t smell it, while we, heterosexual, non-chef males have to suffer as we proudly stand to pee our girlfriend’s name in the snow!

I am sure that there are many more of these tells but I feel the need to post this immediately as a Pink SUV with tinted windows and a rainbow bumper sticker just drove slowly past the front of my house and is turning around!

Been a bit since I last posted. No excuses. Judy did try and die on me a couple olf times, but she is much better now. Medical expenses bogged us down a bit, but thanks to good insurance and a doctor that pushed a pacemaker proceedure in before the first of year which would have put me back into the deductable abysis. We have light at the end of the tunnel. How do people survive without insurance? Oh and the Sea Hawks lost in the first round of the playoffs again. And unlike some people I will not cite Covid and the war in Ukrain for my lack of posting. Nor will I mention the fact that suddenly my blog was listed as deceptive, don’t go there if you value your electronics, and finally even I could not access my own fucking blog. Nor will I use depression for the fact that nobody reads my shit except for the people trying to sell me pot and viagra. At least someone was commenting but I stopped that by buying a span blocker. These are not excuses! And I will not use them to justify my lack of production. But on to new and exciiting topics, like cheese?

In my youth there were only three cheeses, cheddar, swiss, and Velveeta.  It is often said that Velveeta is not really cheese.  Websters defines cheese as “a food made from a milk or a milk-like substance taken from plants, that can be either firm or soft and is usually yellow or white in color”. The first ingredient listed on the Velveeta box is milk, it is yellow, and definitely soft.  Ergo, it is cheese, and 74 million Trump voters can’t always be wrong. Cottage cheese is also technically a cheese, but I am omitting it from my list as in my humble opinion it looks and tastes like something that would come out of a chicken’s butt after it had been sexually molested with a Styrofoam dildo.  I am pretty sure my mother was aware of that form of poultry abuse as she pronounced it as “cottage jeez”.  Jeez is midwestern slang for something my mother used a vinegar douche for. Praise the Lord my zygote survived, although there were some complications. Think a t-shirt with “I survived a vinegar douche” would sell?  Not my greatest idea, but I digress.

Seventy years later the three cheeses have morphed into endless varieties like, Gruyere, Gouda, Queso Blanco, Brie and Camembert. Then there is “Casu marzu”.  This is a Sardinian cheese that contains live maggots!  After the normal cheese fermentation process, the rind is removed and the cheese placed outside where the smell soon attracts the cheese fly, Piophila caseli , which lays its eggs which turn into larva which then begin to eat the cheese, making it very soft (and very rotten). Not only are these maggots alive when you eat the cheese, they are capable of jumping for distances of as far as six inches! Because of this people who actually eat this disgusting concoction often will hold their hands above the sandwich to stop the maggots from leaping into their faces. And that’s not the worst part. The maggots may not die in your stomach. This may result in a condition called pseudomyiasis. Symptoms vary but can involve boils, crawling sensations and buzzing noises, smelly discharges, fevers, facial edema, and death. So why in the wide world of sports do Sardinians eat this putrid and dangerous cheese? Because they believed it to be an aphrodisiac. What a man will do for a stiff pecker.  I get oysters, maybe even ground rhino horn, but a cheese that can kill? For heavens sake, take a Viagra! It it’s the danger aspect that turns you on, visit a Bangkok whore house. Maybe you will get an STD, but they are usually curable, and the symptoms do not involve, boils and buzzy noises.  Casu marzu is listed by the Guinness Book as the worlds most dangerous cheese.  There is a Guinness list of dangerous cheeses?  Ever wonder how they make Asiago? And all of you cheese purest bitch about Velveeta?!  Maybe there really is some virtue in the America of 1952 with its lack of cheese diversity.  

Then I discovered Kasseri.  I love this cheese because you can pour a bit of ouzo on it, ignite it till it melts, and slather it on a piece of bread. One bite and you almost make it to heaven, being stopped only by the irresistible urge to yell OPA. Which is Greek for “jump” or “yahoo”, or “opps”. This expression is often used at Greek weddings followed by plate smashing. I have no clue as to why they break dishes, but it’s very Greek.

Kasseri is made from sheep’s milk.  Do sheep produce enough milk to harvest?  I have seen every episode of “Dirty Jobs” and never once saw Mike Rowe milk a sheep in the 10 seasons of that show. But if true, who milks a sheep? Must be some guy with little hands who probably survived a vinegar douche like I did.  I can’t imagine earning your living milking sheep.

But then there are stranger careers.  My friend Bill had a job in his youth where he helped gang rape turkeys. Seems like a Tom turkey is not efficient enough in his animal husbandry duties to impregnate enough hens to make it sufficiently profitable. 

This problem was solved by pervert turkey farmers. First, they “milk” the Tom of his precious bodily fluids which in Bill’s turkey raping squad was performed by a man named Buff…figures.  Then Bill would grab a hen and hand it off to another who would turn the bird upside down and spread its legs.  Then the actual turkey fucker would insert a modified turkey baster into the hen’s glory hole and squirt in a tiny volume of diluted semen.  I human terms I believe this sexual encounter is called the Jack Hammer.  Bill said that in four hours they could impregnate 1500 hens. After hearing this I quietly threw up in my mouth and threw our turkey baster in the garbage in my latest binge of wokness.  Hey!  People pay more for free range chickens, what about rape free turkeys.  Just a thought. One day I will come up with the big idea and you all will quit laughing at me.