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I am not into conspiracy theories and tend not to accept without question the shit I read on social media. One thing that really pisses me off is when people I know forward content that supports their biases without any attempt to verify the information. All it usually takes is a quick trip to Google or Snopes, but sometimes you need to be a bit more creative. Case in point, Richard Gere and the contention that he would put a gerbil in a condom and shove it into his rectum. What bullshit. But I had a bit of a problem finding the truth using the internet and had to resort to my expertise in experimental science.  I can now definitively say that the rumor was false.  First, have you ever tried to put a gerbil in a condom. Little fuckers bite!  Once you finally get them in a condom, they suffocate. By the time you shove them up your ass with your slippery bloody fingers, they are dead and the mood has passed. Personally, I find shoving a dead gerbil in a condom up the ass is counterproductive and a really a sick thing to do. Vibrators and the red neck equivalent, corn cobs, are better. Or so I’ve been told.

The point I am trying to make here is conspiracy theories are bullshit. Don’t believe them, don’t pass them on.

Then along came Jeffery Epstein.  I can’t resist. Jeffery Epstein and the withheld or nonexistent pedophile list and his suicide or assassination has exploded in the news once again. For those of you who have lived off the grid for the last decade in a collapsed mine shaft, here is a brief recap of what you have missed.

Epstein was a billionaire who appears to have gotten wealthy through his talent at investment counselling of wealthy clients, corporate raiding and a possible Ponzi scheme. He used his money to feed his lust for having sex with underaged girls, some of which he transported to an island he bought in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Let that one sink in for a bit. The island had an air strip to which he flew clients in his private jet, who then had sex with these mid teen girls. There is evidence that one of these pedophile clients was Prince Andrew, brother of the Chuck the King, who once commented to his wanna be Queen, Camilla, that he wished he could be a tampon in her vagina. How romantic! He said this while still married to Diana, so I guess that apples after fall from the same tree may roll downhill a bit before landing in dog shit.

Not only was Epstein a pedophile, he also had hidden cameras installed all through the bed rooms and toilets of his several abodes that took pictures of his clients/guests  doing the nasty with his exploited teens or just doing the nasty on the shitter.  While this may have been for his own sick pleasure, it is reasonable to assume that this was used as blackmail material for his protection or as a revenue source for his perverted and lavish lifestyle.  Islands, private jets, and teenage hookers don’t come cheap.

Eventually, he was prosecuted twice for his crimes. In the first trial he got an embarrassing light sentence where he was housed in a facility more like a hotel than a jail.  His cell was never locked, visitors signed in at a front desk staffed by prison guards dressed in suits rather than uniforms, and he was allowed to go to “work” six days a week in a chauffeured limo for 12 hours a day.  A normal sentence for what he did is 15 years. He got 15 months in what appears to be a Florda tax payer paid for bed and breakfast.

In the second prosecution he wasn’t so lucky and spent some time in a real jail, where after a bit, he was found dead by in his cell, which was determined to be suicide, even though a broken hyoid bone is much more common in cases where the victim was strangled rather than in a self-inflicted hanging.

Let’s review. Pimp to wealthy pedophiles, possible blackmailing his clients then found dead in his cell. We have all seen that movie. Pardon me for being a bit suspicious.

Now the fun really begins. For years conspiracy theorists egged on by Trumps minions have convinced themselves that Epstein was blackmailing sicko elites like Bill and Hillary Clinton, Bill Gates, Ben Afflack, Bernie Sanders and many other left leaning politicians and celebrities.  While I might buy Bill Clinton.  Bernie Sanders?  WTF.  I also doubt Bill Gates as well. All he would have to do is activate one of those microchips that he has been injecting in us with vaccines, and he could have his way with any girl, boy or farm animal then erase their memory with a single digital command. While you might question Gate’s morality, one thing he wouldn’t need is a pimp like Jeffrery Epstein. One name suspiciously missing from this speculative pedo list is Donald John Trump.

If you have been reading my blog, you might suspect that I am not fond of orange orangutangs. I can now come out of the closet and admit that as hard as I have tried to hide it, your guess would be correct.  Although I am biased, I feel that if there is a list, Trumps name is in all caps.  First, Trump admits to knowing, liking, and partying with Epstein for years. Epstein is on tape stating that Trump was his bestie and Trump biographer, Michael Wolff, claims that Epstein showed him snapshots of two teenage girls, naked from the waist up, sitting on Trumps lap and four young girls laughing and pointing at his cum trousers. Trump is a notorious womanizer who once cited STDs as his Vietnam, brought his fuck friend on a vacation with his first wife, then married her, then cheated on her with his present wife who, if the rumors are correct, he first banged while flying on Epstein’s plane. He bragged about grabbing women by the pussy, loved walking in on young girls dressing for a teen beauty pageant that he owned, was convicted in a civil trial of sexual assault, and might have paid naked prostitutes to piss on a bed that Barack and Michell slept in while they were in Moscow as he watched.  If that latter story is true, I bet he did more than just watch.  If his name is not on the Epstein client list, it’s because the list does not exist.

Oh my God!  Now the very people who screamed about the list and demand that it be released are now in the Trump administration claiming there is no list.  Really? They also stated that Epstein’s death was definitely suicide with the proof of an unedited video showing his cell door where no one is seen entering or leaving during the time of his death. Turns out it was edited and there is a one-minute gap in the video where someone could have done the deed.  Not enough time, you say?  Ever heard of Ninjas? They could have done it even faster and all you might see is puff of smoke if there was no gap.  Pam Bondi did say that there were lots of child porn tapes that they were not going to release to protect the kids from further harm. Really?  Maybe they don’t want you to recognize Prince Andy’s and Donny’s white asses while they were porking some underaged teen.

I have no proof that any of this is true. Trump might be not have used Epstein’s pimp services as he has proven he is entirely capable of grabbing pussy with his own hands.  But if there is nothing to see here, then he plays his followers for fools, which sadly was just too easy to do. I don’t know how this is all going to end except it will be even more embarrassing for my country.  I am no longer proud to be a citizen of a country that has this much moral rot at its core. I have lost friends and family who have bought into this obvious crap. Supporting a man with his degree of immorality is beyond my comprehension and leads me to question the morality of his supporters including some I have known my entire life.  Frankly, I am not in a forgiving mood, but if they shove a dead gerbil in a condom up their asses, I might change my mind a bit. But more than likely I would only feel sorry for the gerbils.

Trump wants Canada to be the 51^st state. The Canadians are pissed. They already have an old fart for a king and don’t want two.  

For those few who have read my blog, you know that I am always looking for the big idea. I think I have finally found it. If eastern Oregon can leave to be in Greater Idaho, and if the border between the USA and Canada is just an arbitrary line, then a blue state in the USA should be allowed to become a Canadian Province.  Greater Canada!  This would solve a lot of problems.

First the red states hate us. If we were gone, they could end abortion, stop wokeness, kick out all the wet back beaners, and put the 10 commandments and mandatory prayers back where they belong in schools. Everybody would be required to own a gun and be allowed to shoot lost black teens in their all-white neighborhoods.

I can’t speak for all blue states but for us in lessor Oregon, we would be free to put up wind mills and solar panels to our hearts content, drive EVs (except for swastacars), blow up dams to free the salmon, and not rake our forests. We could continue to vaccinate our kids, elect lesbian governors, and wear face diapers to reduce the risk of pandemics. Our govenors would now be calle premeirs, a much cooler word.

But it does not end there. Besides the benefits of being free of the red state menace, Canada has lots of things that make it appealing in its own right. Besides the obvious ones of universal health care, cheap higher education, no mass shootings, generous family leave provisions, and unlimited supplies of maple syrup; Canada also has numerous hidden benefits.

Gas is less expensive there. In Oregon it cost 3 to 4 dollars while up north its only about a buck fifty,  and that’s in Canadian money which makes it even cheaper. Ever notice the smaller red numbers on your car’s speedometer. Those are for use in Canada as cars can go faster there. I don’t know why, perhaps it’s the cleaner and colder air. Or it might be that Canadian Mounties are easier to spot in their bright red uniforms, big ass hats and that they ride horses instead of driving Ford Explorers. Although this may seem like a handicap, the most famous Mounty of all time, Sargent Preston, said that the Mounties always get their man, and I believed him.  I am a lot older now and realize that “get their man” may have an alternative meaning, but what happens in Moose Jaw stays in Moose Jaw.    

If Oregon became a Canadian province, the transition would be easy as we speak roughly the same language. with the exception of “eh”. This word is often said at the end of a sentence in place of other words like, “you know”, “right?” or an equally cryptic and the unpronounceable sentence ender, “innit?”.  Personally, I think it is equivalent to the USA sentence ender, “ok?” The over use of this “eh” word may be due to it being a small word requiring less time to speak, thus limiting the potential of tongue frostbite.  This painful malady is the likely reason why the slow talking emigrants from the USA deep south are poorly represented in the Canadian population.  And while I am on the subject, why would Canadians want these people in their country anyway. My God, southerners think a pillar is something that you sleep on rather than the majestic support structure for important government buildings.  And if we have learned anything since the last election, ignorance is contagious.

Although Canadian winters are brutal, they don’t get hurricanes and the few tornados they do get are easily confused for dust devils. And who knows in a few years with global warming, the winters will moderate. This effect may take a while but that’s okay with me as  I always wanted to go ice fishing and ice hockey is a great sport to watch.  Although it will never replace American football; the fights are definitely better. I recently discovered this after watching the Rock in the movie “Tooth Fairy” which I believe is based on a true story.  The Canadians also have a better national anthem than the USA and it is much easier to sing, although I have never understood a word of it after the opening “oh Canada” part. This might be do to the fact that Canadian singers try to open their mouths as little as possible due to the aforementioned danger of tongue frostbite.

Canada has the most extensive intertidal mud flats on the planet. Weirdly, visiting one of these is on my bucket list. Yes, I know I am pathetic. They also have narwals which is a strange marine mammal with a giant spike-like tusk on its head. The purpose of this phallus is under study, but recent research suggests it is used in play to attract females.  This behavior is similar to taking dick picks and sending them to random females at your work.  Like humans, female narwhales with few exceptions are tuskless.  A study of why some female narwhales have tusks was recently canceled by RFK the lessor. I guess this means that what happens in Hudson Bay is going to stay in Hudson Bay, forever.

But enough about why us blue balled blue staters would want to become part of Greater Canada. Why would the Canadians want Oregon? Food? Canadians are skinny and its not due to them all having active gym memberships. They are starving. Can’t grow much up there beside rye and rutabagas. But look what they would get from the rich agricultural lands in the great Willamette Valley, grass seed, landscaping plants, hops, hazel nuts, and industrial hemp. And don’t get me started on the wine.  Fuck Napa! In Oregon we have pinot noir, the finest watery red wine on the planet.  And according to my post graduate research, when combined with Canadian whiskey, gives you the wickedest, gut-wrenching hang overs possible. But don’t worry about that as Oregon has lots of pot stores to aid in the morning after recovery, or so I am told.   

But as with all fairy tales, Greater Canada has its draw backs. First and foremost, Canada is bilingual and their English as a second language is French. Now I personally think that French is a beautiful language to hear, especially when compared to the bastardized Spanish I get to hear on a daily basis, but it has one major drawback. It is primarily spoken by the arrogant, snail eating French. Once again Canada would benefit by the inclusion a few former USA states as we have a plan for all these foreign fuckers who are polluting our blood; send them to El Salvador where they came from. While our methods for this are still in the experimental stages, in a just a few more days of practiced on pregnant women and teenagers, we will be working our way up to a group of losers who defraud our Social Security and Medicaid; grandmothers and the permanently disabled. For the few that the activist libtard judges won’t let us deport, we can force them all back to work as greeters at Walmart.

But there is one con to us joining Greater Canada that may be a deal breaker. What is it with moose? They look like an ill-conceived cross between an elk and a camel. And what is the plural of moose, its moose. God would not have intentionally created anything that is both singular and plural at the same time. Just ask a biblical scholar like Governor DeSantis about that one. Making it worse, if it can be worse, the moose(s) best buds are rabies infected flying squirls.  Canadians, you must learn that you can’t have an animal or human that is that woke. Get out your AR-15’s and kill them all. Then we will consider Greater Canada, which would be a beautiful, beautiful thing that would look great on a map.