Why am I writing this blog? I don’t have a simple answer. I have heard that over half of the population of the US believes that they can write a book or a blog but never do. For most of my life I fit that description. Maybe I just got tired of the shoulda-woulda-coulda. Maybe after a serious illness I felt my own mortality for the first time and wanted to pass on to my kids something more than memories. But that’s not it either.
I do have some writing experience but it is boring, technical stuff. So unless you are into the science of clam shit or the wondrous world of eelgrass, it is unlikely that you will have read anything of mine. I don’t read a lot either. Having four kids, a demanding job, and a home in constant need of repairs, the only time I ever got to read was while on the toilet, especially the Sunday newspaper. The one with the comics, giant crossword, and my hero, Dave Berry, who I always saved for last. But then he quit writing his column and I quit buying the Sunday paper. I tried books but they are generally not meant to be read on the shitter, especially the ones you can’t put down. After a while my butt would numb and the wife was pounding on the door asking if I needed a life preserver.
Then it hit me. Perhaps I could fill part of the hole that Dave Berry left by writing funny stuff that could be read on the shitter. Short, concise, stand alone prose that could be read while taking a leisurely dump. But what to write about. I have not accomplished world class deeds nor been present when someone else has done them. I do not have the inside dope on movie stars, politicians, or mass murderers. While I am blessed with an active imagination, it is not the kind that you talk about in mixed company much less put down for all eternity to read. What do I know that people might be interested in reading?
My wife Judy and I had 40 years of RVing adventures in the western states, but the campground guide, Back Roads of Oregon, Road Side Geology, and where’s-the-nearest-RV-dump-station niche have been filled to overflowing. It was then I realized what made my RV travels unique. I had Judy.
For 50 years she has been my adventure. I never know what she is going to say or do. Every time I come into the house there is something new(1). Every time we travel she meets the most interesting people or sees the wonder of a sunset from a perspective I am not capable of. She does not know a stranger. She has walked up to a leathered dog collared Goth with a Mohawk sticking 6 inches up from the top of his shaved head and asked him how he did his hair(2). We were soon surrounded by a half a dozen leather clad weirdo’s who were delighted to show two old fogies all their body piercings and to share the best place to shoplift black lipstick.
My wife is absolutely crazy and so are my kids, my friends, and a good portion of my relatives and in-laws. I am the only normal one in the group. With this revelation, coupled with being an early riser as the dog wants out at 5 AM to pee, my inability to go back to sleep after letting her back in, and the fact that there is nothing involving a ball and cheerleaders on TV at 5 AM, I opened my laptop out of sheer boredom; the results of which are going to be meandering narratives that you are hopefully going to read and enjoy.
I will say one thing more before you flush. While I am going to slightly exaggerate and condense events, it is all true and I will not even change names to protect the innocent. The whole world needs to be warned about these people and I am the only one who can do it.
(1) A word of advice here. When you come home and your wife has that I-have-done-something-and-you-need-to-tell-me-what-it-is-or-suffer look on her face, always go for the hair. “Did you do something to your hair? It really looks nice,” has always worked for me. Part of the time you will be right and even when wrong it buys you a bit of time and at least you noticed something.
(2)Diluted Elmer’s glue. Which, by the way, would make a good name for a rock band.