I used to pay experts to fix my car and truck. After I retired, I could no longer afford to do this. Besides with UTUBE, experts show you how easy it is to DIY thus saving $120 per hour labor cost, plus shop fees. Even when I could afford it, they always seemed to charge for parts that Amazon Prime would deliver to my door at half the cost. So, what if it takes me double the time and a few cuts, bruises, and sore muscles. Judy loves it when I am working on cars as I am out there and out of her hair for a bit and she tends to reward my efforts with a nice single malt which we can now afford as I have saved us a shit pot of money by fixing my own truck, That was my thinking last week when I decided to replace the glazed- overhead light lenses and rusting out front bumper on my aging F250 Super Duty.
With the aid of UTUBE over the past few years I did the brakes, changed the oil, replaced the fuel filter, service the automatic transmission, and even diagnosed and replaced a faulty ABS break sensor. My confidence sored as I watched how easy it was to replace the head light lenses and the bumper was held on by only 6 easy to get to bolts. Compared to servicing the transmission this was going to be no brainer.
Parts came in on a Friday and by Monday there was a two-day break in the winter Oregon rains and I was in my overalls with all the tools I needed carefully placed in order on a portable worktable. I had even purchased a nifty air powered socket wrench so I wouldn’t have to strain my aging muscles using a ratchet wrench in those tight places where my impact driver wouldn’t fit. What could go wrong?
I did the headlights first, thus giving the bumper bolts an extra day to soak up the penetrating oil I had liberally sprayed on the 6 bumper bolts. Did I already mention that there are only 6, easy to get to bolts holding up the front bumper on my F250? Those Ford engineers who designed this would get a Nobel prize if they had one for innovation in front bumpers.
Head light job started well. Managed to pull out the two clips holding the top of each headlight assembly with relative ease only breaking two of them and losing the other two somewhere in the body of my truck. Oh well, no big deal as there are two well stocked automotive stores only 15 miles away. The bottom attachment point was more of a problem. To his credit the UTUBEr had warned me of this and had shown a hack that made the job a snap. After an hour and two scraped knuckles later, I gave up on the hack and tried to do it the hard way. The only way to get to that attachment point was to first remove the batteries. My truck has two heavy ones. To get to the head light attachment on the driver’s side required not only the removal of the battery but the battery tray and the air filter assembly as well. Eight bolts and a just out of reach hose clamp later, I finally had access to the attachment point with only a slightly strained shoulder muscle as collateral damage. Once I got to the attachment point, the battle was far from over as no matter how hard I pushed it did not budge. Finally resorted to grabbing the flap of plastic that was holding it in with a pair of vice grip pliers and wiggling it back and forth for 15 minutes till it boke off. With the headlight lenses out I was finally on the down hill side. Now for the reverse of taking out, the putting in, after of course the mandatory trip to the auto parts store.
This was going to be a snap. After an hour of pushing a shoving I realized that while the head light assembly look identical to the ones I had taken out, they were just slightly off. Made in China. Fucking Chinese junk! No wonder they were cheaper. First, they kill our dogs with adulterated dog food, then try to kill us with Covid, and now they are messing with my sanity with these fucking pieces of shit head lights. But after another hour to pushing, punching, and cussing, they both were in. Got both batteries in and was finally ready for that single malt. Turned on the head lights just to make sure. Note to self: self, test the lights before putting the whole battery air cleaner assembly back together. Sure, would have had put the drivers side battery in an out an addition time but it would have been worth it in the long run. Light bulb had fell out and was down in the frame of the truck. I could see it but needed another 2 inches of fingers to reach it and they do not make Viagra for fingers. Another hour and the job was finally done. Took the truck out that night to test the head lights and then watched UTUBE on how to adjust headlight so that you can actually see the road in front of you. Also the parking lights don’t anymore. I don’t need lights when I park.
A few days later there was another break in the weather and I was finally going to take those 6 bolts out and replace the bumper. Five came out, one of which no longer resembled a bolt. The sixth had to be cut out with a Sawzall. That was 15 minutes of pure misery as to get the saw blade on the bolt required me to lay on my back on the cold ground with my fat, senior citizen body contorted in a position that was not illustrated in the Kama Sutra as it was deemed as too difficult.
Finally, all 6 bolts were out. Now the bumper should just fall out. Nope there were two more bolts. I had been lied to. And the last 2 bolts require that both front wheels had to come off. Jack the truck up, put the jack stands in while crawling on my belly on the cold ground. Haul the big ass air compressor out of the shop so that I can use my big air gun on the studs. With the wheels off I can now see the offending bolts but my impart driver won’t fit in the spot. But then I remembered my nifty little air ratchet wrench. Boy was I smart to buy that tool! Nope, that piece of shit has no torque, and I mean none whatsoever. Add this tool to my growing list of Chinese crap. Should have bought made in America. Bought an extension for my impact driver but the bolt was too rusted up of even this to move it. I was finally able to move the bolt with my hand ratchet wrench with a cheater bar extension on it. But could only move it a little bit at a time and strained yet another muscle in the process. Went to the local hardware store and bought an extension and 11 mm socket that I could run on my big air gun. That worked till the nut on the back of the bolt stated to turn and no matter what I tried I could not get any of my vast array of tool to get a hold on that fucking nut. Once again, I am on my back on the cold ground doing the Sawzall Kama Sutra. And why pray tell why are there metric bolts on my manly Ford F250. Metric parts are for sissy cars. Named my truck “Captain” as it pulls my travel trailer “Boldly go”. Maybe I should have named him Mr. Sulu instead. It is a pain in the ass to have to have two sets of virtually identical tools to work on a truck. Unlike my father I cannot look a bolt and tell what size it is. I must have at least 6 sockets, 3 metrics and 3 standards to have chance of getting one that works, trying each one in tern till I get a tight fit. That might be fun if these were marital toys and the wife and I had just finished a cheese fondu. but laying on my back with oil dripping on my face, not so much.
Bumper finally falls off the truck on my foot and then I see all the brackets, braces, and fog lights that must be removed from the old bumper and put on the new one. There are three sizes of metric bumper bolds that have to be removed. Some come out with relative ease, others required being Sawzalled off. There are 6 backets and or braces which must be removed and then reassembled on the new bumper in a pattern and order that makes a 1000-piece jigsaw easier and quicker to be solved. Did I ever tell you that I have no spacial l skills and I still need yet another trip to the auto parts stores to get new bolts and clips they screw into. Lucky for me I have an old friend who dropped everything to come over and lend a hand. I have known Bill for 50 years even though he is almost my age we call him sonny. He has aged really well except for the oil porttait of him that he keeps hidden in a locked cabnet in his garage. Next morning, I drive into Newport, nope, no bumper bolds and clips are available on the coast. As of that moment, I had a bumperless truck with whoppy jawed headlights, a sore neck, twisted knees, a back in need of a chiropractor, and six band aids on the back of my right hand.
The next morning, after several calls to dealerships and junkyard I discover that they don’t make these parts anymore. I am not sure that they imported these parts from China and that in retaliation for Trump’s trade policies China cut off the supply. You bastards! Trump never worked on an F250 in his life. You are hurting me! I am a liberal, I love diversity, you can have Taiwan for all I care as they make cheep shit there as well.
Had to buy $50 bucks worth of various sized nuts, bolts, and washers, then spend hours attaching them to the brackets, braces, and rubberized valence to make the bumper install ready. Two days later I was ready to attach it to the truck. What is a valence doing on my truck? Maybe Dougie Houser would be a better name.
After a sleepless night worrying about it the damn thing would fit back on the truck, I decided to wait another day has I had got my first Covid shot the day before. I was told it would be the second shot that would put me down for a day, not the first. Fucking fake news did it to me again.
Much to my surprise the bumper went back on the truck much easier than it came off. Judy had to help me as it took 3 hands and a knee while laying on my back on the cold cold ground. Judy had to even run the impact driver while I did the Kama Sutra once more. Only thing that is still bugging me is that it only took 6 bolts to put it back on. Somehow the last two bolt holes had disappeared. Space time anomaly?
I think I need to reevaluate my former position on saying money. Can anybody recommend an honest and inexpensive mechanic? While I was a nearly complete failure, I still got my single malt. At least I married well.
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