I am sick of drug commercials. Who writes these commercials? They have to be horror movie writers who failed to get their scrips approved for the sci-fi channel. Considering that four Sharknado’s made it to TV, how bad were those scripts. And just as an aside, if you get the chance to watch Trailer Park Shark, do it it’s a winner. But really these commercials are like bad Godzilla movies. Some monster disease is ravaging your skin, internal organs, or sex life. But then out of the depths of a secret science lab comes a miracle to defeat it. I am not exaggerating here. They follow the same script. The drug cures some scary sounding disease that I have never heard of nor have any idea how to pronounce, and all you need to do is to tell you doctor to proscribe an equally unpronounceable drug to cure it. Then after the protagonist is cured, they dangle a sequel teaser in front of you in the form of the listed side effects. Just like in Carrie, when the arm comes out of the grave, or a single Godzilla egg survives a dozen Hell Fire missiles that destroyed Madison Square Garden, it’s not over. You may be cured but be aware of diarrhea, bleeding gums, and dreams about Donald Trump humping Queen Elizabeth on a ratty mattress laying on the floor of under construction house. That one actually happened to me once after taking a pain killer.
Here is a list of side effects for a drug that treats an affliction I “suffer” from:
weak or shallow breathing
blue-colored skin, lips, fingers, and toes
confusion, extreme drowsiness or weakness
vision problems
skin sores (if you have diabetes)
easy bruising, unusual bleeding
swelling in your hands or feet, rapid weight gain (especially if you have diabetes or heart problems)
unexplained muscle pain, tenderness, or weakness (especially if you also have fever or don’t feel well).
The condition I have that this drug treats is diabetic neuropathy. I have little to no feeling in my feet. I guess it might be painful due to commercials staring some has been Hollywood celebrity. But it is not painful to me. I fact my feet tingle a bit like they are in a pail of warm water. It’s really quite pleasant. The only downside to my condition is that I can no longer drive my standard transmission Honda Civic. The clutch pedal is small and really close to the break pedal which is also small. Several times in the last year I have missed the clutch and hit the brake instead. This scared the hell out of Judy. I was okay with it as I always have clean pair of under pants in the glove compartment. But because of this, I no longer drive the Honda. I get to ride shotgun and look at the scenery, play games on the phone, and take naps when needed. This seems like a good deal to me, so screw the drug and its side effects.
Oh, and just as an afterthought, don’t take a drug if you are allergic to it. Why in the wide world of sports would you intentionally ingest something that you are allergic too, no matter how compelling the commercial. And how would you know you are allergic to it if you never took it. This logic eludes me.
“I have a peanut allergy, but the Pfizer commercial said that if I eat a whole jar of their peanut flavored gummies, I will be just fine, and my nose hairs will fall out without the need for tweezers!”
And did you ever think that there are some afflictions that are better left untreated. Who the fuck notices or cares if your toenails are yellow? Wear socks! Laugh lines/crow feet around your eyes, may go away with Botox, but do you really want to have the face of a Japanese experimental sex robot? Sure, Viagra and Cialis might help with E.D., but remember it takes two.
“Hey babe look! Thanks to Cialis my dick works again! Want to rub pee things?”
“Sweetheart, I gave up liking that thing 10 years ago, but I wouldn’t mind a nice soak in a cast iron tub with an ocean view.”
Then there are the drug names. Rather than referring to the drug by its actual chemical name, the marketing people have a brain storming session to come up with a name that has nothing to do with its structure or function. It just has to sound like it does something wonderful. Here a just a few of the hundreds:
Lyrica does not make you a winner on American Idol. This is the drug that treats neuropathy which is replete with all the horrible side effects I listed above.
Celebrex is used to treat arthritis, acute pain, and menstrual pain. It does not enhance a celebration like a naked lady jumping out of your birthday cake. Listed side effects are:
pharyngitis
upper respiratory infection
rhinitis
dyspepsia
abnormal hepatic function tests.
What to hell is pharyngitis, rhinitis, and dyspepsia? I could look them up for you, but I am finally sleeping all night without the Trump/Queen Elisabeth image waking me up in a cold sweat. But go ahead if your stomach can handle it.
Eliquis does not help you understand Shakespeare, but it is does prevent the formation of serious blood clots. Side effects are:
unusual pain/swelling/discomfort
unusual bruising
prolonged bleeding from cuts or gums, persistent/frequent nosebleeds
unusually heavy/prolonged menstrual flow
pink/dark urine
coughing up blood
vomit that is bloody or looks like coffee grounds,
severe headache
dizziness/fainting
unusual or persistent tiredness/weakness
bloody/black/tarry stools
difficulty swallowing.
I was just fine with not having to look up any of these side effects till I got to the bloody coffee ground part. Also note the use of the qualifier, “unusual”. Does any of this look normal to you?
Humira is used to reduce pain and swelling due to certain types of arthritis. Common side effects are:
Infection
dehydration
upper respiratory infection
sinusitis
lupus-like syndrome
skin rash
headache disorder
nausea
injection site sequelae
reactivated tuberculosis
erysipelas
herpes zoster
fungal infection
malignant lymphoma
hypercholesterolemia
hyperlipidemia
monoclonal gammopathy
ketosis
agranulocytosis.
Pseudohypoparathyroidism? Any side effect that requires 24 letters to describe has got to be horrible. And this is a common side effect??? Just shoot me, I would suffer less.
Xeljanz is used to treat… Who gives a fuck! Any drug that starts with an “X” and ends in something that sounds like it might come out of your butt after having anal sex with a male stripper SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT ALERGIC TO IT!
Don’t get me wrong. I am not one of these naturopathy nuts who would rather drink rose hip tea and smell essential oils to alleviate my symptoms. I take a whole pharmacy of drugs for my many age and lifestyle related maladies. What I don’t do is rely on commercials to provide me with drugs to tell my doctor what I need to take. I rely on my doctor and pharmacist. They went to college to learn this shit, I didn’t. If I told my doctor that I needed to take Xeljanz and he said, “sure thing, anything you want”, I would fire his ass. Knowing my doctor, if I tried to tell him that I think I need to take a drug that might give me unusually heavy and prolong menstrual flows, I think he would refer me to a shrink. If you don’t trust your doctor, then get a different doctor.
One final point before I signoff on this latest rant. They are not stopping with the suggested drugs to tell your doctor you want to take. Now it is surgical procedures. Awhile back I wrote a blog about my TAVR procedure. I just now saw a commercial about how this is a good idea to plant in your doctor’s mind if you have a bad heart valve. Like your doctor would be ignorant of a procedure that has been done for 20 years and has been performed on over 300,000 people. If you need to inform him of this procedure, then guess what…you are going to a chiropractor.
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